Filling the void

It was an early spring, cool and dreary night. Winds were high and the thunder was as loud as the thoughts in my head. The rain fell straight to the ground with an occasional shift to the side. There was not anything that did not resemble my life that night; it was as if the earth was in agreement with me.

As Charles drove I could sense that he was not only taking precaution from the low visibility conditions, but he was also cautious of the broken woman sitting next to him. There was so much I needed to say, my chest felt like exploding. I needed to tell someone about me, my secrets, my dreams, my fears, my insecurities. I wanted more than just some one with a pad and pen who would observe my posture along with my hand gestures and scribble a miracle cure on a small squared piece of paper. I needed someone that might have been at one point just as broken as I was at the moment.

Charles seemed like the perfect candidate, he was soft spoken with sunset blue eyes and an unspoken purity. I began to speak the unspeakable, the more I spoke the less he flinched. I expected him to accelerate to the nearest institution and say "you will be well taken care of here," But, he didn’t he just listened.

We spend many day’s and night’s talking, he assured me of my beauty and my qualities and I began to see that only one who possess those things him self can make another feel like all is possible. I also confirmed my initial perspective of him, that he was indeed, once broken.

I have to admit Charles was not my type of man, I had always preferred the Russell Crowe gladiator type, the rough rugged man whom would protect me from this unjust world and cruelty of my fellow human beings. That preference slowly changed with every conversation we had. As time passed I was realizing how unjust and cruel I was being to myself.

After just a few months’ I was different, more daring to pursue what was rightfully mine. I was now developing piece of mind. It was years since I was told how beautiful I was on the inside, not just on the outside. I was beginning to feel as if everything was within my reach all I had to do was take a step forward, extend my arms out and grab it.

 I too began to notice things about him that no one else saw. I saw a raw talent, I saw a man whom worked with his hands and had the ability to create with passion disregarding any of it as labor, a man who once had sailed through the rough seas created by his tears and who was assuring me that I too could steer safely to harbor and he would show me how. Those days were amazing we laughed, we talked, and we made love and made plans. We thrived of one another, when we were together the passion was so raw you could practically see it lingering across the room. We were out to conquer the unconquerable it was me and he and nothing else mattered.

It has been said that we as individuals should not look for another to fill our empty void. A person should discover one's self and not look for others to discover it for them. That can be a bit confusing especially when you meet someone that makes you feel like they have been the missing link you have been searching for all along.

That is what I discovered when Charles became broken once again. His eyes were no longer a sunset blue, they had become cloudy like the sky when a thunder storm is about to take place.

My void was now larger than when I had met him, It was not long before I realized he was a temporary light to a very dark room, that room was my spirit. He had the ability to brighten it once but when his light went out so did mine. I shed many, many tears those day's as a matter of fact all I did was cry all day long. I was wounded, scarred, betrayed and I just couldn't make any sense of it, I had so many unanswered questions. Where, where did he go? Who would hold my hand now? Was I a temporary light for his darkness too?

Two broken pieces mended together by glue never set's perfectly although, it may give that illusion. Eventually, slowly they dismantle once again and may even crumble. I was coming to understand that was what had happened to us. He was now spiritually sick and I was not spiritually equipped to guide him. I wanted to so badly, but it was drowning me. It hurt so much to be drowned by someone whom once gave you life. I had an extremely difficult time digesting that truth and coming to terms with the idea that this time I had to reach harbor safely on my own.

That relationship became an experience to strive from; it was neither regret nor a mistake. I will always recognize all of the beauty that it once possessed. I also came to understand the truth that had been said by so many others before me.

 My void needed to be filled by me, my happiness needed to be created by me, my peace needed to come from within me, my light needs to be brighten by me. Always willing to share it instead of inheriting it from others. Than and only than would I have true peace of mind and unquestionable joy.

Madison O'Sullivan